Name: Jack Slumber
Nationality: USA (Texas)
Occupation: Unemployed Lumberjack
Weight: 96 kg
“Save the trees! Help a fella Lumberjack bring home the bacon.”
“I'll go to GUTS, chop limbs off of some fuckers, get the money, buy nukes, nuke the companies and their machines, plant trees, chop down trees, get paycheck, buy beer, get into a fistfight with fuckers from Fluvanna, go home happy - just like before that corporate shits came along!"
Jack is a legendary Lumberjack. He was born in Justiceburg, a very small Lumberjack village in the middle of Texas. In his town, every person has three characteristics: they are a Lumberjack or Lumberjane; they are strong; and they are very, very dumb.
For the past 10 generations, all that folks from Justiceburg have done is: grow up, be tough, drink beer, drink whiskey, say stupid shit, eat bacon, chop trees down and bring home an honest paycheck for an honest day’s work. But that has changed. A gigantic company, part of the Dong Enterprise, specialized in making dildos, created new technologies that rendered lumberjacks plain useless to the wood business. They used their lawyers and businessmen to get access to the few remaining woodlands to cut them down and use them to create their dildos. Their machines do the Lumberjack job with fewer errors and a lot more quickly. Soon there were no more trees for Jack and his buddies to cut down!
This means Jack and his crew don’t have money no more - so they haven’t been able to afford their beer - and that is bad. Very bad. They are thirsty. They are getting violent. And, above all, they are becoming sissies in the eyes of their rival neighbour town, Fluvanna - a town of Brickmasons.
Well, Jack can’t let those fuckers from Fluvanna ridicularize them. Someone’s gotta do something. As a friend that did some work in Minneapolis discovered that some hippie fuckers caused a lot of problems by saying “Save the trees” a lot a few decades back. He even brought back a t-shirt from that time.
Well, if he saves the trees from the wood cutting companies, there will be more trees out there, Justiceburg folks can go back to chopping down some shit, get an honest day’s pay, grab some beer and have their dignity back! To do that, he needs to wipe out all the wood cutting companies from the map. “Let’s Nuke’em facilities all down and plant new trees on their land!”, thought Jack.